I embrace the persona of being the bad guy. Of luring girls in with my “sweet side” only to unleash the true demon inside of myself when things get to be too much. I want all of the fun without the commitment. But, in doing so, I usually bring about more conflict than anything.
Recently, I’ve held the belief that investing yourself into someone is symbolic to handing them a loaded gun and placing the barrel right between your eyes. You entrust them to not hurt you, to not bring your walls down and pull the trigger.
But, clinging onto this way of thinking has took its toll when you can’t help but want to jam the gun into someone’s hand. When you feel for them enough to place their finger on the trigger and place the cold steel against your head.
Maybe I’m just being stupid or a turd as you always call me. I feel for you, but I don’t want to. I already broke down my defenses for too long by having you in my mind for such a long time.
Do I try to progress things with you? I feel like I owe it to you even though I made it so apparent that someone else held my attention for a span of time.
I don’t know. I’m torn up. I don’t want to lose you, but I don’t want to lose myself neither.